10 - Forcing Ten Tiny Fingers into Teeny Tiny Gloves. Who’s idea was this? Who decided it was a good idea to give these marionette-like appendages their own cotton slot?
This glove 
not this glove
should be standard-issued for all children until they learn how to do this sh*t for themselves or are too embarrassed by their parents to ask for help.
9 – Lyin’-Ass Windshield. I finally get everyone buckled in and turn on the windshield wipers to remove the condensation only to find that it’s actually ice. Then I have to dig through the foot of kid crap in my car for the scraper I haven’t seen since last spring, all the while feeling guilty for keeping the car running while I scrape. Which, somehow always leads to frost on the inside of my sleeves which really pisses me off because it melts immediately and I don’t like feeling soggy and since we’re on the topic of soggy sleeves…
8 – Tissue Sleeves. It doesn’t matter how many wads of tissues I stuff into a baggies and jam into all available pockets, I always wind up using the cuff of my sweatshirt or jacket to wipe a nose. And then I’m so skeeved that I have to roll it up. So my arm is cold and snot glues my jacket together. And sometimes when I return home I’m so happy to get in the house that I take it off my garment, hang it up and completely forget until the next time I need to wear it.
7 – “Trips” to the Park. Even when you factor in the time it takes to dress up and strip down, the occasional pity walk for the dog, the token trip down the slide and the icy swing ride of death, the entire “trip” never exceeds 18.5 minutes. Which inevitably leads to:
6 – Stop it! Maker her stop it! She’s not listening! I asked her to stop and she hit me! MAMA! SHE JUST HIT ME IN THE FACE WITH HER DOLL. STOP IT! STOP IT! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP IT! Which often leads to:
5 - Spending Money. Not on purpose, but when you stroll through Target, climb in designated (and undesignated) mall play areas or jump on IKEA furniture for sanity purposes, you always find things you forgot you needed. Or coffee that needs drinking…
4 – Running the Trash Outside. So I don’t. Instead I wind up welcoming my husband home after an 11 hour-day with poopy diaper baggies, recycling, and trash bags lined up outside the door and two #6s (see above) waiting for him inside. (You know I love you, Baby.)
3 – The Mice Stop Making an Effort to Co-Exist Secretly. 
2 – Baby Back Crack. Why can’t they make onsies for 5 year-olds? It doesn’t matter how long their coats are, they always show that crescent of skin when they bend down that makes you cringe for two reasons. One, it’s freakin’ cold. Two, you realize they’ve already outgrown their pants again. Why does this always happen around Christmas?
1 – Lyin’-Ass Sky. It looks like bedtime. It feels like bedtime. They’re behaving like it’s bedtime. But it’s only 4pm.
Of course, if they never learn to tell time, they’ll never be able to prove that it’s not really time for bed…
.
.
©2009 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and I’m locking you in the house with two #6s, an unwalked crazy dog and all of #3s. Have fun, sucka.
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Tags: cold, gloves, mall, sanity, spending money, Target, weather, winter
November 9, 2009 at 10:26 am |
I would like to dedicate this post to my husband….because if he would ever get our damn garage door fixed, I would never have to encounter a #9 (at least in the morning.)
But it appears to me that I am being punished, so for that, I too, will leave all garbage out for him to take.
November 9, 2009 at 10:42 am |
Haha! Once again, you have taken the words out of my mouth. Minus the leaving the garbage for the hubby. One thing that truly sucks about being divorced….
November 9, 2009 at 10:49 am |
YIKES about the mice. Good grief. Why is it that cold/wintry weather is so much easier to justify and/or come to terms with when it’s snowing? And what’s with the big bird hand mittens? Get the kind with one thumb and one finger-place.
November 9, 2009 at 10:57 am |
Love it! I hate cold without snow involved it just sucks!
November 9, 2009 at 10:57 am |
Oh, I don’t do cold weather. Not even for token pity trips to the park. The half hour of bundling up 4 kids, and the subsequent putting-away of 4 coats, 4 hats and 8 mittens just isn’t worth the 18.5 minutes to me. Luckily, I have a nice warm garage so I never have to scrape the windshield, and I only need to brave the elements once each week to put the garbage at the curb!
November 9, 2009 at 11:11 am |
Banish the digital clocks. Teaching your kids to tell time is almost as bad an idea as teaching them to read and to talk. All of which are massively overrated as parenting tools.
November 9, 2009 at 11:42 am |
I am totally with you on the gloves and even mittens. I can’t for the life of me get Ian’s thumb in the right part of his mitten. It is like he is incapable of allowing this to happen, ever. And we are just getting started with the cold weather. Oy!
Oh, and at least the mice only got to one of the muffins. Considerate of them to not take a bit of each one with their germy little fang teeth.
November 9, 2009 at 11:48 am |
I am sorely tempted to let my kids believe the lyin’-ass clock and hit the sack at 4pm, but then they’d wake up at 3am, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed…which would be major suckage.
I am sooooo with you on the ice on the inside of the sleeve! I actually cringed when I read it because I hate it so much. It’s pure torture.
My husband has a finely honed garbage-ignoring instinct; doesn’t he KNOW that taking out the garbage is man’s work?
And in between giggles while reading this post, I kept thinking that you are a GOOD Mama. Because you take pity trips to the park.
November 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm |
love the big bird glove idea. love it, love it, love it.
November 9, 2009 at 12:42 pm |
Answer to numbers 10, 9 and 8 are arm warmers or wrist warmers.
Love the list!
November 9, 2009 at 1:08 pm |
I wholeheartedly agree with this entire list…especially the lyin’ass sky….it’s killing us!!!
November 9, 2009 at 1:14 pm |
You are brilliant. Awesome list. And, um, just how big ARE those mice? That’s one giant bite there…eeeeek!
November 9, 2009 at 2:01 pm |
Oh dear oh dear…witty and funny as usual…I love the way you write! xxx
November 9, 2009 at 2:22 pm |
i am totally going to make those gloves and become a gozillionaire.
November 9, 2009 at 2:25 pm |
Ask your mother (I recall seamstress pics, but you could do this yourself, too) to sew a couple squares of flannel into the pockets of your sweat shirts, or whatever you wear outside.
Snotty nose?
Turn the “booger pocket” inside out, bare the flannel, and make a game of “who can soak the booger pocket first.”
BETTER YET: sew some velcro to a couple flannel squares (don’t edge them; why waste the time, flannel’s like $2 a yard at WalMart) and sew a “receiving” velcro on the inside of a pocket. That way, when booger pocket gets used, you can pull it out, toss it in the laundry, and velcro in a new one. Man, I hope I remember this when I get to booger-pocket stage. MUCH better than snot sleeves!
November 9, 2009 at 2:26 pm |
ALSO: SO cute that you guys GET wet sleeves. Cuz here, it’s hard to get wet sleeves from de-icing your window. Cuz if you’re de-icing, you’re wearing your gortek parka already… and mittens.
November 9, 2009 at 3:46 pm |
#9 – wahhhaaahaaa! So funny! I mean, I’m sorry, that sucks.
#4 – I do that to my husband too.
#3 – SERIOUSLY?? That is from mice? That’s crazy!
November 9, 2009 at 3:47 pm |
You and I may very well be living the same life, CK. When all else fails inside the house, head to your nearest Target. I like to think of that store as my “safe house.”
November 9, 2009 at 3:57 pm |
Boy am I glad I live in California. But I hear you about the snot rag.
November 9, 2009 at 4:17 pm |
Thank you for reminding me that I need to go get my snott encrusted hoody out of the hall closet and throw it in the wash.
November 9, 2009 at 4:29 pm |
Oh the snotty sleeve…it’s like my latest, hottest accessory. I think it’s sexy. We are enjoying a burst of warmth here (high 50s to 70s) so I am sucking up as much park time as possible…come cold weather it’s all dvd time.
November 9, 2009 at 4:32 pm |
Wow! You are hilarious! I look forward to stalking this blog and feeling grateful to have an honest mom. I just got back from taking my son to the Dr after our giant beast of a dog knocked him over going about 65 mph. He is ten months old so my journey has just begun. I will have my own top 10 soon.
Kasha
http://www.grubandstuff.blogspot.com
November 9, 2009 at 5:29 pm |
Kudos to you for even bothering with the park in that weather! And I am soooo with you on this night time thing. Dark at 4 something sucks. I feel like a cave dweller.
November 9, 2009 at 6:17 pm |
I suppose living in SF has its benefits. No ice. But then you can’t throw them all out into the snow and make them make snowmen while you watch out the window. Or is that a hallmark ad?
November 9, 2009 at 6:24 pm |
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I tried the “Its dark outside it must be bedtime” trick and worked until Tooters discovered the digital clock in the kitchen and called me on it
November 9, 2009 at 6:25 pm |
Before going to bed take an old bath towel and lay it across the windshield in the morning start the car for about 3 minutes and pull it off. No ice
November 9, 2009 at 6:33 pm |
Winter sucks…
November 9, 2009 at 6:44 pm |
I’m with you on #5! Winter weather drives us inside, so we seek entertainment at Target, Walmart, the mall. Oh the money we waste on stuff we find that we “need”! Great list!
November 9, 2009 at 7:31 pm |
I like how everybody else just said, “gee, that looks like a big mouse.” B.S. That is a four-year-old’s muffin bite it I ever saw one.
November 9, 2009 at 7:54 pm |
Nap,
You have no idea how much I wish that bite was take by my daughter, even though it would’ve meant she chewed through the saran wrap…
November 9, 2009 at 8:01 pm |
Tell me the mouse did not really do that!
November 9, 2009 at 10:22 pm |
Ahhh…the Lyin’ Ass Sky has served me well many, many times in the winter months. I’m soooooo glad they can’t tell time yet. And until they can and as long as it’s dark outside, bedtime is whenever I say it is!
November 9, 2009 at 11:52 pm |
I have never liked winter, but now that I am home all day with children I like it even less. Loathe actually is the proper word. You’ve summed up my feelings about cold weather quite accurately :p
November 10, 2009 at 12:14 am |
Don’t you know you make them use their own sleeve?? LOL.
Oh…#6. How I HATE #6!
Still putting my boys to bed at their “old” bedtime
November 10, 2009 at 1:11 am |
It serves you right living in a place that is that cold. I only have to deal with an icy windsheild. Wait. That still sucks.
Oh, and remember. Early bedtime= early rising. You’ve been warned.
November 10, 2009 at 2:56 am |
What’s the deal with the mice??
November 10, 2009 at 12:17 pm |
Seriously? Those mice are not playing by the rules at all. Want me to drive up with my kitty cats and turn them loose?!
November 10, 2009 at 2:56 pm |
This list is right on target. Tell me again why we don’t live somewhere else, say…Bora Bora???
P.S. Maybe I’ll send my woodpecker over to peck a hole in your mouse. Anything for you, ck.
November 10, 2009 at 10:10 pm |
Winter sucks. except for snowmen. and what is it with you and snot? lol.
November 11, 2009 at 1:08 am |
So what you’re saying is that I shouldn’t take my California weather for granted and be happy that I’m rarely in a situation where I need something more than a heavy sweater? Believe me, I’m not smug. I grew up in the midwest, and I actually miss winter. I’m insane. I know.
November 11, 2009 at 1:17 am |
In regards to number one: I foolishly taught my 3-year-old to tell time in a futile attempt to convince her to stay in her room until 7 a.m. Obviously, she has not done that. She has, however, busted me for trying to put her to bed before 7 P.M. Damn.
November 11, 2009 at 4:40 am |
Hilarious stuff. I kind of hate living in my state (Arizona) half the year (and even now — 95 in the middle of November!?), but this makes me pretty grateful. Not very many gloves and frozen windshields here.
November 11, 2009 at 5:13 am |
I’ll send some of my Cali weather over to you
I love this list and how TRUE it is!!! Everyones comments had me rolling.
#2 grr. My Niece always has Back crack!! Drives me insane! I JUST bought all new school clothes in size 6 in August..now she’s a size 7!
November 11, 2009 at 8:55 am |
I laughed out loud at #1. Damn that time change. Unfortunately I can’t complain about the cold now in Atlanta since I spent 10 months complaining about the heat in Florida. Oh well.
November 12, 2009 at 12:23 am |
I hate being cold! Dang mice. They can really bite me!
I made a gravitar today. Let’s see if it comes up.
November 12, 2009 at 5:54 pm |
LOVE the yellow “starfish” glove on the left. ‘Would have made getting out the door soooo much easier.
I got the “neglectful mother” email from my son’s elementary teacher one very cold winter’s day, for not sending him to school with gloves. I wrote back and said, “Oh, he HAS gloves. He just doesn’t like the way his fingers feel in them. So he won’t wear them.”
I wanted to add “Quit judging me.” But I held back that one time.
November 13, 2009 at 12:44 am |
My hubby calls me tropical girl … a nice way to say ‘cold weather wimp’. Funny post as always. Love those gloves. Eeeek! A mouse?!
November 14, 2009 at 5:42 pm |
Okay that bitch of a mouse has to go. Do something about it!
And yeah I hate when the sky lies, as well.
November 16, 2009 at 12:52 am |
On the plus side, you possibly get snow on Xmas day where I get 85 degree weather and sweat in my ass crack. Is there a onesie for that?