performance review
So I’ve been a professional mom for about 4.5 years now. Some days I congratulate myself on landing this job, other times I wish they’d just fire my ass. And now that ONE is old enough to properly communicate (and spends her days pointing out the injustices of life), I felt it was the perfect time for a performance review.
On myself.
It’s important for a Type-A to know where she stands.
(Currently TWO can kiss off if she thinks she has a say. Until she stops shrieking in my ears as a form of communication and rolling away mid-diaper change, her opinion cannot be trusted. She’s lucky she’s still employed.)
My strengths: I love them. I looooove (and totally respect) their daddy. I’m consistent. I admit when I’m wrong and apologize. I encourage them to explore and try new things. I kick ass at story time. I’m protective, yet I don’t jump in to solve their problems. I let them make their own decisions without guilting them. (Go ahead, ask TWO how that sand tasted. She’ll tell you.)
My weaknesses: My patience reserve is at an all-time low. I get bored just thinking about how I’ll have to play with them; I’d rather space out in front of the computer. I still have the itch to multi-task, which used to be an asset but now only leads to less patience and more boredom. I still have an irrational fear of death; I hear a strange noise, either coming from my children, their room, or their general direction and I’m sure I’ll find them dead. I still get pissed when my firstborn wakes me up several times a night. Like last night. It will never be okay.
Where I see myself in 5 years: Still crazy in love with my husband, sterile, still the mother of (only) two and still writing. Pretty much exactly where I am now, just older. And sterile.
* * * * *
Comments from my sometimes boss, sometimes co-worker and sometimes employee. (We’re still trying to nail down our job descriptions.)
What do you like that I do?
I like when you give me hugs and kisses. That makes me feel good. And I like when you put make-up on, I want to put make-up on. And you put some on me. You always come in my room before you go to bed just in case I sleep the wrong way you can fix me.
What do you wish I’d do more of?
Well, on hot days I wish you would take me and my sister to get ice cream more. And milkshakes. I wish you could color with me more. And that you’d pick the beads for me to put on my necklaces and bracelets when I make them.
What do you wish I’d stop doing?
I wish you’d stop giving me time-outs. And getting me in trouble. I wish you would stop writing for a long time and play with me and my sister instead. Because then we have to bring the toys by you and that makes you mad.
What else makes me mad or sad or angry?
When I hit my sister. Or when I throw a temper tantrum.
What makes me happy?
A picture I draw and a hug and a kiss. When I give you presents and flowers even though it’s not your birthday. (You’re not going to grow any bigger than you are now, right? Why?)
What do you think is most important to me?
Me and my sister and daddy and Maggie (our dog). That’s what I think.
* * * * *
Rating: Satisfactory.
(Gotta work on the fact that I have no desire to improve my “playing” skills…)
.
.
June 30, 2009 at 8:57 am
Sounds like a pretty good rating to me. Mine informed me that I only look pretty when I wear a dress (which is about once a year), so at least she seems to find you attractive. And, I think that growing bigger thing is negotiable because for the life of me I can’t stop getting bigger. Oh, and will you please stop getting that kid in trouble; you are such a naughty mommy;).
June 30, 2009 at 9:12 am
I love that she says you get her in trouble and then put HER into timeout. Nice……
I think “S” is a little low on the rating side….probably a S+ is more like it.
June 30, 2009 at 9:12 am
Did you tell her that the reason you don’t color is because she messed up that crayon caddy? And really, why not ice cream every day?
Awesome post. I think you deserve a raise.
June 30, 2009 at 9:40 am
YES! The crayon caddy. I totally forgot.
Gibby – You ever need a peer review, I got your back.
CK
June 30, 2009 at 9:51 am
I’m with Gibby…you definitely need to renegotiate your salary at least once every 6 months
)
) So, since I don’t realistically think you’ll have an entire week of uninterrupted sleep, my wish for you is that one of those nights proves to be useful and that you’ll learn to appreciate the night time visits. It is after all in your employee contract that all duties will be performed with a smile 24/7. She just misses you for crying out loud ;o)
The waking up in the middle of the night thing is a universal problem, I liken it to a pandemic influenza. It comes on suddenly, without warning, and disrupts the lives of the entire community. The only time that the “waking in the middle of the night” epidemic proved to be useful was the night that I was up already feeling pretty awful and achy and my 4 year old woke up. He was so awake and could tell that I was sooooo sick that he rubbed my back and told me stories until I fell asleep in his little arms
June 30, 2009 at 10:56 am
As a former writer of your performance reviews (in your days as a Working Mom), I’d upgrade you to an “Extraordinary.” Unfortunately, due to the economy, raises are off the table. Pretty much all I can offer you is a night off and a hefty supply of wine and cheese.
June 30, 2009 at 11:00 am
Play with them more? Well, at least you’re wanted. I think mine are becoming a gang against me. I’m just a referee.
It looks like you have this mommy thing down. Sterile?
June 30, 2009 at 11:06 am
That post rocked!! I think ONE is brilliant (and you do know that it IS you who makes her misbehave, right?).
S is a damn fine rating, although you need to demand paid vacation. Take it from C- mommy, you are awesome!
June 30, 2009 at 11:35 am
EVERY mom’s patience is at an all time low during the summer.
And don’t let those sweet answers disturb you–underneath, they’re plotting a coup.
Summers are evil.
June 30, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I’m not much for playing, and my patience, well, let’s see. I don’t have any. So, I would have to say that you’re doing a mighty superb job.
June 30, 2009 at 2:31 pm
I am a huge multi-tasker too. It’s hard to sit back and just hang with the kids.
June 30, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Since you’re a long term employee, I think you could negotiate more aggressively for coffee breaks, vacation time and general employee satisfaction factors! Maybe your co-worker husband can work with you on those! Or you could rein in a third babysitter part-time temporary worker
June 30, 2009 at 3:01 pm
All in all sounds like a job well done. I’d say you were in line for a promotion.
June 30, 2009 at 9:04 pm
I think you’re doing a fabulous job. I think the boredom, for a smart woman who is used to planning, engaging in, and completing her own projects, is unavoidable ad a sign that you are an adult not a child. I, too, feel the guilt for not *wanting* to engage more, rather than guilt for not engaging more.
Here’s the thing. Life’s cruel. And the fact that you’re not always, always, always availabe actually teaches them that things won’t always go their way. You run when they’re hurt, or when they need you. If they want you to play, and you give in 75% of the time, I think you get an Exceptional. If you were playing with them 100% of the time, they would never learn how to play by themselves, or with their peers. Because you’re WAY too fascinating.
If I were them, I’d want to play with you all the time, too. But we can’t always get what we want, now can we?
Homemade yogurt pops, babe. Always there, always healthy, always able to boost your B to an A.
June 30, 2009 at 10:53 pm
The sterile part is the most important. In my eyes, people with more than two kids are insane. And my husband and I are both the youngest of three so it’s a good thing my parents had a different way of thinking. We had a little snippety snip procedure done on Jamie back in March.
You’re doing great and I envision you being with the company for a long time to come.
July 1, 2009 at 2:38 am
Patience that’s a hard one. I think your ahead of the game so kudos to you.
July 1, 2009 at 2:53 am
Well done! Here’s a raise! Oh wait, I don’t have any money.
Ok, I’ll give you my respect instead. And I will, um, bow when you walk by. In cyberspace.
July 1, 2009 at 12:09 pm
CK! This post was so fun and funny! When will you run out of creativity?!?! You are across the boards! Your children will grow up to be little Ken Burnses
July 1, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Sterile…ha!
Did I tell you I had my tubes severed 4 weeks ago with my latest addition…because I sooooo knew there would be no increase for me this year, not even to cover the increased cost of living.
And Hell, I’d take a S anydays b/c today is the first time in 4 weeks that I felt like I was an S. Mostly they have been big fat F’s.