daughter for sale

Dear Consumer,

We are very sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the purchase of Your Child. While we agreed that she does in fact sound “stubborn,” “maddening,” “frustrating,” and “out to get you,” we don’t believe that she is “broken.” The Board discussed your lengthy petition for a replacement Child and unanimously denied your request.

Please know that we are very selective when placing a Child with a family. We take great time and effort  to match personalities, talents, humor and wills. And as one of our Members pointed out, your mother sent a similar request to us concerning you 27 years ago and was denied as well.

We suggest that you keep up your level of creativity. For instance we studied the “I want a new mommy!” incident and were quite impressed with your calm, proactive response.  Bundling her up in her coat and hiking her over to Target to help her shop for a new mommy was just what she needed to snap out of her funk. We especially liked the nice touch of telling her how much you’d miss her if she left after she changed her mind and apologized. Well done.

We also approve of the “No Warning” system you installed in her life. You go over the rules on a regular basis and when she breaks one, she is consequenced immediately.  This makes sense to her, and while she doesn’t like it, she respects you more when you stick to your system.

The Board feels, however, that you have some serious work to do. On  yourself.  We are happy with your progress over the last four years, but your pride and laziness continue to cause flare-ups. Stop comparing her to other peoples’ kids and yourself to other mothers. Stop worrying about their opinions on your parenting style. Frankly, if you weren’t so judgmental, you wouldn’t think so many people were judging you.

We also suggest that you work on your will. It has softened a little over the years and needs sharpening if you hope to stand a chance when Your Child turns twelve.

The more we discussed the placement of Your Child, the more we congratulated our initial decision to place the two of you together.

Carry on,

Consumer Affairs, Heaven