the top 10 things that piss me off

Caution: This blog contains references to IUDs and a "talking vag."

It generally takes a lot to piss me off. For the most part, I prefer to let things go rather than bathing in them. However, since the arrival of The Hormonal Fat Bastard (Mirena), I’ve had some emotional hot flashes.

Quite a few, actually.

Which pisses me off, but not enough to make my list.

Here’s what  did:

10 – People Who Talk on Their Cell Phones During a Movie.

HER: “Oh, hey. Yeah, I’m at the movies. Ummm…hmmm…Benjamin Button. Oh, I know...”

ME: “Can you please get the f*ck off your phone?”

SERIOUSLY. Who pays $10 to see a movie (that would have been awesome without the rediculous present-day flash-forwards) just to talk on their phone? Does this only happen in Jersey?

9 – When Bad Things Happen to Good Pancakes

I’ve been making pancakes since I was 10. It is inexcusable that this should 1) still happen when I flip and 2) fill me with rage.

It’s a freakin’ pancake.

Or was…

8 -Verizon

Not the actual FIOS or wireless service. GETTING SOMEONE ON THE FREAKIN’ PHONE TO ADDRESS A BILL ISSUE.

7 – Wet Bathrobes

Nothing is grosser than putting on a bathrobe after a hot shower only to find that one of the sleeves is soaking wet…and cold.

6 – Unpacking

I cleaned the house before leaving on a three-day trip so that it would be clean upon our return. For some reason it has taken me a week to put everything away. So now I have to clean all over again.

5 – Guess Who?

Or should I say, Guess Which White Man?

My daughter only likes to pick the “girls” and since there are only FIVE of them in this game, it’s rather easy to figure out who she is.

And it’s so freakin’ cheap. The pictures won’t even go down all the way. WHICH IS THE ONLY THING THEY’RE REQUIRED TO DO.

4 – Tipping When I Pick Up Chinese Food

Look, I was a waitress for eons. I know how it works. So don’t give me a dirty look when I don’t tip you for handing me my take-out. It’s a store-front boutique. There aren’t even tables to sit at while you wait for the food.

The tipping line is for deliveries only.

Back off.

3 – Lying-Ass Deodorant

Technically I can’t prove whether or not they’re actually “Little Black-Dress Approved” since I don’t now, and probably never will own a dress (black or otherwise). But no matter how careful I am, I get deodorant on at least one shirt per week. Apparently you can get it off easily with a baby wipe, but I get so angry that I forget to try. (And yes, I could put it on after my shirt, but I forget that too.)

2 – Forgetting

Not just “wow-that-really-sucks” forgetting, Mom-Brain Forgetting.

Like, we came home from Jersey and I didn’t realize that I’d left our winter coats in my parents’ hall closet until I got the girls ready to run errands.

So now it’s 30 degrees out and I packed the girls in the car (in sweaters and vests) to get a prescription filled and go grocery shopping. After I buckled them in I realized that I left the prescription in the house. Back we went.

When we arrived at CVS, I couldn’t find the bottle in the car, which still wasn’t entirely unpacked. After making a huge mess of the backseat, I gave up and went to the grocery store.

Basket full of crap and two cranky daughters later, we finally got to the register and I realized that I didn’t have my wallet. I could picture exactly where it was, too. Right on the radiator, in the living room. Next to my prescription.

1 – This Tinkerbell doll

We’ll start with the positives.

Her thighs. Nicely done. They’d probably touch if she were real. I dig that.

Next, the excusable negative.

Tinkerbell doesn’t have long hair. Not even in the new movie that this toy was based on. It’s shoulder-length for about 15 minutes and then she puts it up in her signature bun/ponytail. But you know Disney. Everyone either has long hair, or the designers ignore the cold, hard facts and give them extensions.

Finally, her vag has a speaker.

The reason her thighs are more realistic than most Disney creations is because they house the batteries for this “interactive” doll.

However, unlike most dolls (or the people they imitate) she doesn’t even pretend to speak from her mouth.

This Tinkerbell is so talented that she flaps her wings, turns her head and throws her voice from down below.

Who knows? Maybe they’re on to something.

Maybe I should trade in my IUD for a speaker…