a caffeine addict visits the dentist

I saved a few percocets from my last kidney stone for dental visit purposes. I’m not afraid of the dentist, I just get tense and cancel my appointments.

So, it’s been a while…

…it’s been a few years.

And then yesterday part of my molar crumbled. Right there, in my mouth. I didn’t notice at first because it didn’t hurt. Frankly, the whole thing was right out of a reoccurring nightmare that usually included a handful of Chiclets.

Real life did not include sticky gum. Or waking up…

Instead I’d been gnawing on a sour dough pretzel, which is why I didn’t hear the tooth crack. I don’t know, I always sorta pictured sour doughs along the same line as raw hides. They remove plaque, not splinter teeth.

Apparently I’d misinformed myself.

I would have called my dentist, but I didn’t have one. And it was kinda hard to focus, what with a HOLE IN MY TOOTH. A friend recommended her dentist and the office actually had two available appointments. They could either see me the next week…or in 45 minutes. They were located 30 minutes away.

ONE had been asleep for about 20 minutes and TWO had been in her crib for that long, but hadn’t fallen asleep yet. My go-to kid help was unavailable.

There would be no taking of the percocet, even though the idea of the dentist with two small kids in tow warranted several. But since they assured me that they would only access my tooth, I decided that it would be okay. Nothing to be nervous about.

So me, grumpy ONE and deliriously tired TWO were on our way to the dentist. Clearly, I hadn’t given this enough thought.

The office was extremely small. No TVs, no distractions. I wheeled the girls into the teeny room and almost couldn’t fit in after them. I met the dentist. Super nice. Didn’t seem phased by the audience. I pulled out the graham crackers. Put ONE in charge of distribution. TWO was drunk with delight.

The dentist took an x-ray and checked out my tooth. “Just a little decay,” he said. “I’ll clean it and fill it temporarily.”

“What, now?” I said. I looked at my girls. They were still smiling, but we’d already been there 20 minutes. Um, hello…

So he started drilling.

And ONE started talking.

“…and I get a piece of candy when Mommy forgets to buckle me in…she keeps M&Ms in the car for when that happens…’cause M&Ms are my favorite…I like lollipops too…especially those ones on the rings…but she doesn’t keep those for when she forgets…Mama? Can we get those for the next time you don’t buckle me in?”

This was when the dentist broke in with a “Hmmmm…I’m going to have to switch to a bigger drill. It won’t hurt, but the vibrations will be stronger.”

“Mama? Why is he putting a drill in your mouth? Is it from your coffee? I don’t like coffee. It’s yucky. I like warm milk and lemonade and water and…”

TWO threw her graham cracker on the floor and fidgeted in the stroller.

I would’ve stared at the ceiling had I been able to open my eyes. “God, please.” I prayed. “I don’t even know…just, please…”

“Are you okay?” He asked.

The dentist, not God.

“Uhhhh huhhh.” My hands were clenched across my chest like a maimed T-Rex.

“I’m surprised you haven’t felt any pain. This plaque is very deep.”

TWO started to cry. ONE rustled in the graham cracker bag. “They’re almost gone, Mama.”

Drill. Drill. Drill. Zap with air. Drill Drill Drill. Spritz with water. Rinse.

“You know, you don’t have much tooth left,” the dentist said.

I felt the remaining enamel with the numb thing in my mouth posing as a tongue. He was right. DAMN. Good-bye Holiday Edition Coke-In-a-Can…

“Mama? Can I see your broken tooth…ooooohhh…there’s a hole in your tooth. Dentist? Are you going to leave her tooth like that?”

“No,” he laughed. “I’m going to fill it with this stuff.” He showed her a little square with a pile of white putty on it.

“Gum? MAMA! You get to have gum on your tooth! That’s great. I love gum. Especially the kind that tastes like melon. Mommy keeps it in a drawer that I can reach, but the baby can’t. She’s too little to have gum…”"

I groaned. The dentist chuckled. I think he was mentally calculating how many rotted teeth ONE and I had between us.

I’m not sure what happened after that. I know that my tooth is temporarily filled and that I made another appointment and then got us into the car and drove home. But I’m still a little dazed.

And I’m totally taking that percocet when I have to go back. Alone. I’m going back alone. That way I can faint the next time I feel the vibrations of that heavy-duty drill…

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Tags: caffeine, children, chocolate, coke, dentist. coffee, office visits