how to buy a gift for someone else’s baby

First of all, if you’re buying a gift for someone else’s 0-2 year-old, take a moment to congratulate yourself on your general awesomeness.

Don’t be alarmed when you enter the store and realize that most toys are labeled with warnings for children under the age of 3. This may be exacerbated by the fact that the parent didn’t have any ideas for you and the child doesn’t have pronounced interests yet.

No need to despair. Here are some tips on purchasing gifts for the little love (of someone else’s life).

Gift Receipt

Nothing says Happy Holidays like a good return policy. Securely taping one of these to the back of the box is not admitting failure. It simply states that you’re a wise individual who knows that he/she is actually still shopping for the parent. (Which you are, BTW.)

Buy One Age Up.

As with purchasing clothes, which you won’t be doing, buy the child toys designed for the next age.

Even when young, kids are not really interested in things designed for their skill set. And parents are narcissistic and convinced that their child is smarter than Disney dictates, anyway.

Which they are, of course.

Even when they’re still just a sleeping lump.

Bath Toys – Yes

Bath toys are great because to combat the general disgustingness of infant/toddler life, the child spends a good deal of time in the tub. And the only thing worse than having to bathe this child, is attempting to do so when they’re bored of their current aquatic entertainment and sucking on wash cloths.

Clothes – No

It’s really hard to get the size and style right. And unless you know the parents’ taste well, it’s not worth your time.

Reserve this power for when the child is 3+ and loves obnoxious things like princesses and dressing themselves. At this point it no longer matters what the parent thinks. The more mortified the parent, the more the child will love it. But be patient, your time will come.

Books – Yes

If you want to skip the whole toy store mess, books are always a nice choice. Between ages 0-2 the child is too young to appear disappointed with the gift if it’s not a toy, so take advantage now.

If you’d like the child to listen to the story at this point in their life, consider board books with few words on the page and perhaps an activity. A flap to lift, a sound to make, some material to rip and later gum up. If you’re concerned that the child might have the book already, steer clear of the classics. Also, check the copyright date inside the cover. New ones are always coming out, so pick one that was published this calendar year.

CDs – NO.

Especially ones with crappy songs that have the kid’s name inserted into the lyrics. You DO NOT want to be the person responsible for introducing such madness into the family.

Or maybe you do…

Toys That Make Noise – Yes

The parent will groan when the child opens it, but this is okay. Parents have a love/hate relationship with toys of this nature because they pretty much suck. They turn on in the middle of the night. The “volume control” is sometimes nothing more than a decal. They’re a bitch to open when the battery needs replacing.

But the truth is, most of them are kinda fun.

For the child, too.

Except these:

These are pretty much the worst.

Stuffed Animals – No

They are soft and wonderful and cuddly and forgotten five minutes later. Two months from now they will be suffocating in a plastic bag in the basement.

Unless it’s the one YOU got them, of course.

They loved that one…

Don’t Care What The Parent Thinks?

Right this way, Sir.

Small Beaded Jewelry or Earrings – Yes

The child will flail with joy if they receive a choking hazard. They will immediately crawl/toddle to the nearest corner to attempt swallowing it.

Drawers/Cabinets – Yes

Preferably with cleaning supplies or Tupperware or hand towels or pajamas in them. Something that the child can open, dismantle and toss all over the floor before abandoning.

A Flight of Stairs – Oh You Betcha

If you can find a way to package one of these, your present will be the hot lick.

Don’t Be Alarmed When the Child Does Not Appear to Give a Crap About Your Gift

Chances are, they don’t.

Not yet.

And trust me, the parents want the child to react positively to your gift more than you do.

But 0-2s are still a little too young to give good reactions. Unless you gave them candy, or cookies or something else that they can immediately put in their mouths that they aren’t normally allowed.

Two weeks later when you’re too far away to appreciate it, they will be loving your gift.

(Unless the parent took it back. And if you taped a gift recipt to the box then you also granted them an excursion out of the house to shop for something else. Bonus points for you. And them.)

Hopefully the parent will send you a nice Thank You card for your generosity. An art lost these days, but a rant for another time…

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©2008 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and your ass is mine.

WHY THE REPOSTS?

Thanks for calling me out, dude. I’m taking a break to finish up my book. I’ll be back in a few weeks with new posts and comments and all that good stuff. In the meantime, if you want me to check out a post you’ve written, or need to contact me for any other reason, you can shoot me a note on Twitter or in the comments field of any post.

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Tags: bath toys, black friday, books, childhood, choking hazards, christmas, presents, shopping, toys