Dear Sir or Madam:
Congratulations on the acquisition of your new MomFriend!
MomFriends are interesting and challenging people.
Here are a few highlights and suggestions to help your new MomFriendship flourish.
Your New MomFriend Can (and May) Drink You Under the Table.
You might assume that this is because she hasn’t been out in a while.
Don’t be silly. And let’s not forget what they say about when you assume (ass +u+me…that’s right).
While she certainly is excited to be out with another adult, she downs two drinks before you finish your first because she’s been trained to inhale all food-related substances when in public. There’s no time for that last sip when The Child is throwing a fit from under the chair of the people sitting next to her in a restaurant.
Your MomFriend’s Spit Has the Cleaning Power of Bleach.
DO NOT let her use it on you. If she tries, laugh it off and make some “boundary issues” comment. She’ll laugh too. Trust me, she absolutely DID NOT mean to try and dabble the crud off your face.
It was a reflex. She has -:02 to make contact with The Child’s face after they’ve noticed the oncoming wipe. It has nothing to do with you.
So if she surprises you, just whip out your “Wax On, Wax Off, Paint the Fence” move and peace will be restored.
Your MomFriend is SUPER loyal.
She will kick ass and egg cars for you.
Your MomFriend Has Multi-Tasking Skills You’ve Never Heard Of.
She can successfully carry on two live conversations at the same time without making any eye contact. She can give The Child the evil eye and sympathize with your roommate dilemma while eating soup. And you might even learn a thing or two about why you’re not supposed to ask “Why is that man so ugly?” in a crowed bookstore. Bonus for you.
Your MomFriend Can (and Probably Already Has) Related Everything Going On In Your Life With Something That Happened To Her Toddler.
You will be shocked to learn that the issue you’re having with your boss is just like the time she taught daughter not to leave her sippy cup of milk under the couch for a month.
And those guy-troubles you’re having? Just lay down the law and stay consistent with your responses. She did that last winter when The Child refused to wear clothes. Worked like a charm.
Your MomFriend Has Given Birth. This = Inevitable Conversation Issues.
You might learn a little more about her nipples than you ever wanted to know. She will also be very blunt about things going on in your life. She has no time to nurture the conversation or soften her responses. And let’s not forget about how…
Your MomFriend Will Cut You Off In Conversation.
She doesn’t mean to. And she probably doesn’t even realize that she’s doing it. It’s just that she’s afraid of losing her train of thought. But she’s as easy to distract as her child, so feel free to cut her right back off. It’ll be fun and…
Your MomFriend Will Teach You The Hidden Art of Speaking in Soundbites.
How to say the most using the least amount of words. It will boost your love life in ways you’ve yet to imagine.
Your MomFriend’s Sweatshirt is Absolutely Off Limits.
No matter how fashionable she is, or how cold you are, never, Ever, EVER borrow her sweatshirt. Just don’t. The pockets were at some point stuffed with dirty napkins or bits of unfinished food and the sleeves were either used to apply her Clorox Spit or to act as a tissue for The Child’s runny nose.
Again, congratulations on this new chapter of your life. We hope that you and your new MomFriend will be very happy together.
Sincerely,
The Staff
.
.
©2008 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and your ass is mine.
WHY THE REPOSTS?
Thanks for calling me out, dude. I’m taking a break to finish up my book. I’ll be back in a few weeks with new posts and comments and all that good stuff. In the meantime, if you want me to check out a post you’ve written, or need to contact me for any other reason, you can shoot me a note on Twitter or in the comments field of any post.
Tags: children, friends without children, friendships, life
November 24, 2008 at 12:08 am |
Egging? That sounds awesome. More MomFriends, please!
November 24, 2008 at 1:19 am |
I think you’ve always had extraordinary multi-tasking skills. Over the phone, you can switch between intended recipients without skipping a beat or losing inflection. Though sometimes it’s hard to tell which one of us your asking “did you already have your three animal crackers?”.
November 24, 2008 at 1:44 am |
and i was so needing something to explain me to my new cat lover friend who mentions, every single time, ‘that why i have cats’ any time i tell a story about my kid.
November 24, 2008 at 8:42 am |
Giving birth= SO many interesting things to talk about. Just had a debate with someone the other day about circumcision! I keep forgetting I’m the only person I know who’s THAT interested in baby penises. GOOD TIMES…
November 24, 2008 at 11:11 am |
By the time your book comes out, “Dr.” Denis Leary’s new masterpiece, “Why We Suck” will be in trade paperback. These books, when combined, will provide the one-two parenting punch gift set it behooves every couple to have. Or single moms. Or Dads. Or babysitters. They make great His & Hers stocking stuffers.
November 24, 2008 at 11:11 am |
Classic, just classic.
November 24, 2008 at 3:06 pm |
Thanks so much for this clarification! I’ve now sent it out to my dear friends so they will understand where I’m coming from AND I won’t have to try to explain it. And to Evenshine – ahh… you are not alone. I, too, have the fascination with baby penises – only to be outdone by the little boys’ fascination with same…
November 24, 2008 at 3:54 pm |
DadFriend has a lot in common. He, too, spits, drinks people under the table, multi-tasks (spits while drinking people under the table) and talks about your nipples too much.
November 24, 2008 at 4:20 pm |
Dear That Girl’s Trifling Father,
While we’re actually quite flattered that you still find these body parts worthy of intoxicated discussion, we do ask that you refrain from bringing them up at the forthcoming birthday function while spitting and drinking your cousins under the table.
Fondly,
The Staff
November 24, 2008 at 6:24 pm |
You are so damn clever; I think I’m becoming jealous. I can tell your post on momblog network by the title.
And I’m emailing this to my best friend; SHE keeps stealing my sweatshirts.
November 24, 2008 at 8:05 pm |
ooh and I get u as one of my mom friends. Nice. There’s a carton of eggs in the fridge my dear you know where to find them……
And although your super scary stories about rearing children make me want to keep my dogs I still love ya and it makes for good conversations.
November 25, 2008 at 12:44 pm |
“She can give The Child the evil eye and sympathize with your roommate dilemma while eating soup.”
HILARIOUS!!!
December 9, 2008 at 12:38 pm |
LMAO
November 20, 2009 at 2:19 pm |
haha. This was awesome. I especially liked the learning why not to ask why the man is so ugly. Hilarious!
November 20, 2009 at 3:30 pm |
Have I never read this? I just realized I am guilty of :
Your MomFriend Can (and Probably Already Has) Related Everything Going On In Your Life With Something That Happened To Her Toddler.
That’s just great. No wonder why people whisper about me.
November 21, 2009 at 1:53 pm |
So guilty. The multitask conversing thing? I know they think I’m not listening but I really hear it all, I just get distracted before I can finish my answer. Love this and have now sent it to my best childless friend. Who would never borrow my sweatshirt simply because she’s way too stylish to wear sweatshirts and regularly helps me realize my tshirt and sweatpants combo is not, in fact, stylin.
November 23, 2009 at 3:15 am |
Ha ha!