there’s a poopy on my gy-nie
Nearly two years ago, after she mastered the whole “potty thing,” ONE decided to bring along props to spice up her bathrooming experience. Books, toys, clothes. One day she dragged her footstool in front of the mini jon and propped up her feet. In this position she spotted something alarming about her body.
“Mommy!”
I rushed over. “What is it, Pea?”
“There’s a poopy on my gy-nie!” She swatted herself.
I took her hand. “A what?”
“Poopy on my gy-nie! Get it off!” She permitted my investigation.
“Oh, your vagina.” This was the first time she’d given her lower region a name. She showed me the offending poop, which was no fecal matter.
It was her clitoris.
My first defense was to distract her. But then I remembered that I was the adult in the situation. So I decided to give honesty a go.
“It’s okay, Pea. That’s not poopy. That’s your…cllll…cliiii…” I took a long, cleansing breath. “…clitoris.”
“No!” She tried to take it off.
“Leave it alone. It’s supposed to be there.”
“I no like it! Get it off!”
“You may not like it now, but someday you will.”
She considered this. “I get a treat?”
Hopefully someday, yes. And I never want to hear about it.
She reached out her hand.
Oh.
She meant a snack treat.
“No, you get a treat for going poopy on the potty. You didn’t go poopy.”
“Yes! Poopy on my gy-nie!”
At that moment our golden retriever, Loco, sauntered by. And after surveying the scene decided it best to continue on.
“Loco have a beautiful tail.” ONE announced.
“Yes.” I made a mental note to give the dog a treat. “Yes, she does.”
“I no have a tail.” She jumped off of the potty. “I have a gy-nie.”
“That’s right. You have a vagina.”
She rushed over to the dog and lifted her tail. “Loco have a gy-nie?”
I ushered her away from the confused animal and tried not to laugh. “Yes. Loco has a vagina.”
ONE pointed at me. “Mommy have a gy-nie too?”
“Yes. Mommy has a gy-nie…vagina…too. You’re a very smart girl, Pea.”
“Yeah.” She stared at the wall for a moment. “Daddy have a gy-nie?”
I bit my lip.
“No. Daddy does not have a vagina.”
“Oh.” She deliberated for a moment, looked back at the dog and then turned to me. “Daddy have a tail.”
November 19, 2008 at 9:49 pm
ohmy! I laughed so hard at this conversation!
November 19, 2008 at 11:06 pm
Damn. No truer words have ever been said.
November 20, 2008 at 12:43 am
that…is a funny story!!!
November 20, 2008 at 1:09 am
Found your post on Mom Blog Network…very funny!
November 20, 2008 at 1:16 am
oh…. tail… i get it now.
November 20, 2008 at 1:26 am
Ha! (I *love* the conversations that come from trying to be straight while trying to maintain age appropriateness simultaneously.)
November 20, 2008 at 1:40 am
And ps: awesome that you are using that cool coffee cup as an icon.
November 20, 2008 at 9:24 am
oh my.
November 20, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Still my favorite of all the stories by far. The addition of [it was] “…no fecal matter” was @#$%&* hysterical!
see what a difference a little unpacking makes?
November 20, 2008 at 1:57 pm
Loved your story. It reminded me of my introduction to sex education! My father had explained reproduction to my elder brother, who promptly relayed it to me. Dad had used all the medical terms and the story I relayed to my best frien Jill was that the squirms swam up the virginia and went into the egg!
November 20, 2008 at 6:52 pm
LOL
And all of a sudden I feel so much better.
You’re awesome.
November 20, 2008 at 7:04 pm
Dear Ms. Faemom,
We simply could not allow you to corner the market with your nefarious Penis Monologues.
Sincerely,
The Staff
November 21, 2008 at 12:32 am
true genius…
November 21, 2008 at 3:55 pm
Dear The Staff at Bad Mommy Moments,
I think we should combine our efforts and write a book. I can’t think of a catchy title off the top of my head, but I think we should color coordinate the pages, pink and blue. We both have one more kid coming towards potty training, so we’ll have LOADS of material. What do you say?
Faemom
November 21, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Dear Staff at Bad Mommy Moments and at Faemom:
Congratulations on your success and may you continue to produce gold-star stories. I, for one, would buy your book, with or without a title.
November 22, 2008 at 11:28 am
ohhhh yes…we are just getting into all this. however, our conversations center around who has a pee-pee and who doesn’t. they DO seem easier to explain than gy-nies
November 24, 2008 at 7:05 am
Dear Faemom,
Great idea! Alas, I fear that my portion of the book would be completely inadequate. This is the ONLY potty training story in my arsenal. For some reason ONE was a wunderkind in the bathroom and left me with few tales to tell.
Sign me up for a copy should you decide to compile a book on the subject, though. Perhaps with a title like “Tales from the Potty” or “The Penis Diaries”?
CK
November 25, 2008 at 9:55 am
Classic. Simply classic.