the top 10 ways to tell that she’s from jersey

10 – The second she enters home court, the saltwater in the air resurrects her foul, foul, f*cking mouth. (And people, it’s CURSE, not CUSS.)

9 – Either she or someone she knows got beat up in Long Branch.

8 – She takes you to one, if not all of these places on your first visit.

7 – She could really give a shit less about Springsteen or Bon Jovi, so please stop bringing them up. There is much more interesting, relevant talent from Jersey about to blow up. Like this girl. Her days of singing backup are ending as we speak.  Let’s talk about her instead.

6 – She can still find ways to include the following places in conversation, and bless her heart, she still does: The Tunnel, The Limelight and/or The Roxy.

5 – She’ll take many an opportunity to remind you that the Silver Diner, the Waffle House, Johnny F*cking Rockets and any other chains of this nature are Not. Real. Diners.

4 – She sometimes pronounces coffee, “caw-fee,” onion, “ung-yun,” and God, “Gawd.” She just does. And she’s only pretending to be slightly embarrassed by the fact that her kids are saying them that way too. And even if she says them to your liking one day, they will always revert back when she returns home. Or if you piss her off and her best retort includes one of the above words.

3 – She is ambivalent about real, true NYers. During fall, winter and spring, she likes them just fine. In fact, when she’s in the city she walks around pretending to be one of them. But in the summer…now that’s a different story. And don’t you dare judge her for this until you’re stuck behind like a hundred of them at the Lighthouse or  7-11 in the wee hours of the early morn’.

(And people, we know who you are before you open your mouths. And while we’re on the subject, yours is the only accent worse than ours.

PS: It’s called the BEACH, not the SHORE.

PPS: It’s okay. They feel the same way about us. It’s healthy, really. It’s how our neighboring states squabble over the “Armpit of America” status. We’ve currently got that one in the clutch. Gooooooo Jersey!)

2 – She’ll cut you off on the road, and in conversation.

1 – She may not know what’s right for her, but she KNOWS what’s right for you. You better listen. And BTW, if you don’t, you got a cawfee, an ung-yun and the fires of Gawd headed your way.

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©2008 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and your ass is mine.

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