birthday girl

Why the reruns? Good question. I’m glad you asked.

You’re not an agent, are you? Because if you are…

I’ve “finished” my mixed-media book several times in the last month (takes a long time when the wee ones help only in forcing you to start over again and again) and have decided to use my blog time this week to clean up all ends and get this BITCH done.

In the meantime, if you stick around, I’ll be reposting some of my favorite stuff from the last year. Like the below post, which was written on my 31st birthday, a few weeks after I miscarried THREE.

If you don’t, WHATEV. I hear ya. And I’ll see you back on Monday.

CK

*          *          *

Yesterday was my birthday.

Rah rah. 31.

Birthdays inevitably bring on reflection. How was the last year? Am I who I wanted to be? Is this the person I wanted to face one year later? Did I handle things the way I should have? Have I made a difference here at home, or anywhere…

I’m very grateful that even during my most introspective reflecting, I’ve never questioned whether or not I made the right decision to have kids. Sure I doubted it before I had them, but something changed when it went from “thinking about” to “being with” them.

In the corners of my mind I question whether or not I’ve spent enough time writing or creating, but in the quiet of my heart, it’s always about them. And that makes me feel good. It also makes me question whether or not I’ve been patient enough. Have I loved my kids enough? Can they actually feel how much I love them?

And somehow, those questions are always answered without needing to actually ask them.

ONE was so excited about my birthday that you’d think it was the night before her own. She told me five times that I was the mommy she always wanted. She sang Happy Birthday every time I walked into the room. She jumped up and down all day, begging and pleading to tell me about the surprise she and Daddy had planned for me. And when I wouldn’t let her, she turned her attention to plotting the way she’d eat her dinner. That way she could help me eat my cake after finishing her own.

TWO wasn’t as vocal, but she hugged me on her own, without any prompting or encouragement for the very first time. Like she knew how much I needed it. I was so excited that I flipped her a few times. This was apparently the response she was looking for, because she continued to hug me throughout the day.

Towards the end of the afternoon ONE and I sat at the counter together. I was writing, and she was “writing” with crayons in her journal. We were listening to Swan Lake and just quietly being together.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see her watching me.

“What’s up, Pea?”

“I just love you, Mama. That’s all.”

“I love you too, Pea.”

“No, I reeeealllly love you, Mama. All the way to the moon. Isn’t that a lot of love?”

“Wow, it sure is. You make me a very lucky lady.”

“AND, you’re the most beautiful-est Mommy in the world.”

I laughed, but part of me hoped she’d always think that.

“And you know what else, Mama?”

“What’s that, Pea?”

“I made a picture of you.”

“You did?” I was expecting her to show me an array of colored scribbles, or a pink and purple amoeba.

She handed me her journal.

I cried. Not enough to make a scene, or anything. But I cried because even during this awful, awful month, I must have smiled enough to make her feel safe.

And maybe, regardless of how empty I felt, I was able to be enough of a mom that when she thought of me, I was smiling.

And happy.

And to me, that means that 30 was a VERY good year. And if this could somehow be a very good year, then 31 is gonna rock.

Vote for my post birthday girl on Mom Blog Network

.

.

©2008 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and your ass is mine. Seriously.

14 Responses to “birthday girl”

  1. Balling. I hope you’re happy.

  2. One is a mini picasso I must say. I love your rainbow shirt and purple hair. Ahhhh we must all now thank One for giving me a great idea for your next cut…Purple hair.

    Happy Birthday My Dear!

  3. awkwarduncletimes Says:

    wow. if i ever have kids and i get a drawing (even a little scibble doodle) of me i think i’ll explode. that’s so awesome… where is the “©2008 ONE’s Artwork”. :)

  4. Jalyn Henton Says:

    Very sweet.

  5. Happy Birthday youngin’! I love the picture Pea made for you. Isn’t little kids artwork the BEST? Especially when they make it of mommy! Hope you enjoyed your “big” day!

  6. This is exactly the kind of post I was talking about yesterday. I absolutely know it wasn’t for me, but I’ll say thanks anyway. These are the kinds of moments that I’m looking forward to. And happy b-day.

  7. Those little moments keep me going, too. And they always come just in the nick of time. I turned 31 this year, too, and can relate to the ambivalence. Hope you get a walk on the mall. Or a glance through a back window. Or sticky hands in your hair. Happy Birthday.

  8. Happy Birthday!
    That was such a great post. And ONE’s picture is adorable! What an excellent little artist! That was sweet of TWO to give you your first impromptu hug.

  9. happy birthday!!

  10. MichelleB Says:

    How cute!

  11. oh i loved your birthday blog. brought tears to my eyes…why is it that the simplest things just grab us? your blog is so how i feel…somehow i yell, and lose my patience and don’t read to them enough, and they still love me…

  12. OMG, too sweet! That “ONE” never ceases to amaze :-)
    Happy Belated Birthday! I hope the surprise was fabulous. Already sounds like you had a pretty good day!

  13. It’s definitely a great feeling knowing that the little person that you spend so much of your time/life trying to keep safe and make happy truly loves and appreciates you!

  14. Happy Belated Birthday! I had no idea!!! You should’ve told me. You appear to be a super nice, patient, loving and caring mom in my eyes. Your pea draws really well! She’s an artist! It made me feel warm inside to read about your b-day experience. You wrote the moments when I feel truly happy to have my kids.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 41 other followers

%d bloggers like this: