happy cliché #2: the mommy genie

me, sitting out back at the park

When I was pregnant, the “advice” of established parents drove me crazy. I saw how their kids behaved in public. All screamy and snotty and disobedient. And they wanted to roll their eyes and throw some stupid cliché at me?

Please.

They didn’t know me. They didn’t know how I was going to raise my kids. Who were they to be all condescending? And when they shot some matriarchal shit about how I needed to make my husband change as many poopy diapers as me or else he’d just stop one day and I wouldn’t notice until it was too late, I stopped listening.

They certainly did not know my husband. He was all manly and tough. He was covered in tattoos for crying out loud. Why on earth would I get stuck changing all of the poopy diapers?

I’ve since learned of a strange phenomenon that occurs in many a man’s life. When they’re young, most are disgusting. They kill frogs. They pick their noses in public. They grab their balls (at all ages). They pass gas to pass time and they specialize in poopy jokes.

And then, to my utter shock, I learned that there is a fourth stage of labor. It is when a man expels his gross factor.

For instance, when one of my closest friends gave birth, her husband insisted on seeing the placenta. She warned him it was kinda slimy and purple and brain-like, but he was all “I’m a man, show me the after-birth already.” So the doctor handed him the plastic tub containing the placenta and he ran into the bathroom and puked.

And this other new father (who was not my husband, even though I so wish it was) took on a poopy diaper so that his wife could finally slip into a hot shower for the first time in several days. She closed the curtain and heard her daughter scream on the top of her brand-new lungs. She rushed into the baby’s room to see her offspring covered in vomit.

Her husband’s vomit.

He actually yakked on his daughter because he was so grossed out by her poop.

I think on these stories often, because I have realized that I too am my family’s crap trap. Whether it’s picking up after the dog, changing TWO or re-wiping ONE because she’s not interested in doing a thorough job, I’m the one with the wipe. Or the grocery bag. My husband doesn’t refuse to change diapers or anything, and he helps out when he’s needed, but it somehow just became part of what I do.

I have no idea how it happened, but I HATE those moms for being right.

me, trying to clear my head

<<back: happy cliché #1: it’s a phase

the mommy genie on Mom Blog Network

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©2008 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and your ass is mine. Seriously.

10 Responses to “happy cliché #2: the mommy genie”

  1. This is hysterical and so relevant… My family nickname is the “pooper scooper”. I hate those women for being right, too!

  2. LOL! Great illustrations, too ~ I bet the genie loves the opportunity to be outside, breathing some fresh air. Ahhhh.

  3. I am the same person, the POOPIFIER, that is what I call myself around here. Even thou I only have on butt to change there is always one who needs wiped. We had the dog, but I just couldn’t handle the thought of the baby picking up the poop and eating it so I put the dog outside and she hasn’t been back…The story on that on my blog soon. Great Post!!

  4. Ok, what dude WANTS to see a placenta? Gross.

  5. ok, that is hilarious. i don’t think poop is so gross that it should cause vomit. on the child. that’s kind of awesome.

    also, when you are typing in this web address, and you forget the ‘wordpress’ part, a bunch of ‘sponsored links’ for MILF online dating and porn come up (or maybe that’s just with Time Warner service). just thought you’d like to know. :)

  6. That was great! I love the pictures!

    When my first came, if my husband was home, he changed them. I didn’t care if he changed thirty of them; if he was home, he was changing the diapers, end of story. Then I had the second, and it was easier just to do both at the same time, that I forgot to focre my husband. Now I have to almost demand it. Grab him; he needs a diaper change and he’s near you; then drag him from under the table; I don’t care; he was near you first; I have to finish dinner.

  7. You are so right..when I had my son via c-section my husband decided to peak over the curtain and check things out. The moment he did I thought for sure he was going to pass out…

  8. Your Husband Says:

    All right, smarty (poopy) pants… guess what? I’m not changing ANY MORE diapers ever again. Have fun with that…

  9. Lesson I’ve learned from this post: Learn to prefer cats over dogs. At least you are saved from litter box duty while pregnant, right?

  10. hahaha. love the diaper genie pics.

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