ONE is very in touch with what is going on in the world. Apparently I am not. Lucky for me, ONE has taken me under her wing to insure that my reeducation is complete and organic. She is a kind and patient teacher, determined to make sure that I don’t embarrass myself (or her) with outdated information.
For example, did you know:
Dramatic means “bored.” “Stop being dramatic,” is not a correct use of the word. Instead, it should be whined, “Mommy, what should I do now? I’m just soooooooo dramatic. “
Responsibility means “when it’s okay to do a lot of things.” Like eating snacks and painting while watching Sid the Science Kid. Alas for her, she is NOT responsible.
“Response Phone,” contrary to popular belief, really is a phrase and it means “to call a lot of people” while dangling upside down on the couch.
“Response Do,” also a popular phrase among household 3 year-olds means “to want to jump on the chair but you’re not allowed because you might hurt yourself.”
It turns out that after a lifetime of believing that “soil” was a part of the earth’s surface, I was mistaken. It is actually “The things we spray on something that is stinky.” This led to a heated debate on why she is not allowed to throw dirt on her sister. I’m pretty sure I won, but it’s hard to tell. We’ll see the results at the park later today.
“Velle” (pronounced vel•yay) is Spanish for sidewalk. Everyone at the Kiddie Farm section of the Zoo yesterday was grateful for this announcement and some even indulged her ego when she put out her arms and insisted “Now, repeat after me.” Not me. I rushed away and pretended not to know her. I was, like, totally mortified.
I was also very proud to learn that ONE was brought on as the spokesperson for the “Cut Store.” Have you heard their latest radio spots yet? No? Here’s a transcript: “Hey, Daddy? See this thing on my foot? It’s a cut. Yesterday I went to the ‘Cut Store’ and picked this one out just for my foot.”
ONE also felt that it was important to clarify what I was and was not permitted to call TWO. Lulu was fine, but Stinky Winky was not. I made up both nicknames, so as mother (and adult) I felt that I trumped the argument. ONE shot back with, “The Doctor said that we can’t call the baby, ‘Stinky Winky,’ but the nurse said it was okay.” I think confusion was her choice tactic. It worked. I’m still confused.
And then as Doctor ONE, she checked my heartbeat with her plastic stethoscope (which is a piece of crap, btw. I remember the one I had growing up had some coarse spongy thing on the bottom that somehow transmitted sound to my ears. Hers does not). She listened and then dropped her head and took my hand. “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mama. You’re very sick. You have bugs in your ears. Spiders.” Imagine my relief to hear it from such a reputable source.
With my new found education I plan to take on big tobacco, corrupt healthcare and those assholes who write children’s songs.
.
.
©2008 CEK. All Rights Reserved. Touch my stuff and your ass is mine. Seriously.
Tags: definintion, doctors, drama, playing doctor, preschoolers, responsilbility, role playing, rules, sisters, vocabulary, zoo
October 16, 2008 at 11:41 am |
I’ve been so misinformed.
October 16, 2008 at 11:43 am |
PS: I did in no way, shape or form choose the pink quilty thing to represent me as a blog commenter.
October 16, 2008 at 1:09 pm |
She’s so smart. May I dare say verging on smart-allek. I thought they reached that age at 16. But Evan’s the same with a “no, no, no”, wagging his finger at me to corrct me. Such smart offspring, we’ve produced.